It is amazingly irritating to try to celebrate Mother's Day in my new family. The boys sleep until noon. Diana seems unable to answer the question "What you you like to make Mother's Day special for you?" Either she changes the subject, or she mentions something (like going driving with Eson to give him practice) that is something she should do, not something she wants to do. To top it off, I've had a pretty brutal week at work. Three products due, performance reviews, having to lay off an employee, and another of my employees getting cold feet about managing and deciding to become an individual contributor. Not to mention computer problems (laptop died utterly on Mon.) and severe network problems at work. And standing someone up on Wed. due to a misunderstanding about our meeting.
The week was not all bad. A wonderful Die Fledermaus at the Boston Lyric Opera. A private play reading on Sat., with lots of very congenial people.
The Fledermaus reduced me to tears in the second act. In the midst of that romp of disguise and dissipation, a beautiful chorus sings of love--Du, du, immer du (You, you, you forever). Reminding me of performances I have given, and seen. A wonderful one in San Francisco with Bobby McFerrin as the special guest. Being onstage (the best place to hear the music!) as the lights got mellow and the slow waltz begins with the baritone, joined by the other soloists and finally the chorus. Tears rolled down my cheeks as the music bathed and soothed me after a difficult week, and I was filled with love for Diana and gratitude that she is in my life. Immer Du.
But the mother's day thing does get to me. An old childhood pattern. "What do you want? I'm not going to tell you. But you had better get it right, or I'll be angry." Hooks me every time. Does she not know what she wants? Is she afraid to say, because she thinks I won't take it seriously? Will she feel a sense of obligation if I do nice things for her? I don't know.
All I can do is be aware of the pattern, and deal with what comes up for me. And when one thing doesn't work try another. And keep feeling the love.
Thank you for reading.