Yearning to Post


I've been wanting to post for the last week or more--seems like forever.  But life kept intruding.  In some weak simulation of a 3rd world country, our electricity has gone off six times in the last ten days.  The last time, it fried a relay in our fridge--we discovered this when we opened the freezer to find an inch-deep pool of melted everything.  Let's draw a curtain over the next hour or so...

School is coming to an end--the kids have finals next week, and then Eson leaves for a month in CA, and Yson has a week off, then summer school (French and tennis).  Yson is out to CA at the end of the summer.  Diana has had some ups and downs--moments of loneliness and discouragement.  She has found a walking group, and has met some of the neighbors while walking the dog.  It's a big transition for her, from major breadwinner with a high-stress job and single parenthood to a life of a housewife.  At times she feels very unnecessary, I think, and that's a big change.  My mind tells me this is a stage and in a few months she will have friends and be fitting in well.  But it's painful while it lasts.

My job continues to go so well.  I've been contributing to the products, doing some management, and seem to be fitting in well.  I like the people and company a lot, and that's a big change from my last company.  We have been out here about 4 1/2 months now--it seems like forever.

There is a newcomers' club in town, and we went to a dinner last Sun.  Our part of the dinner was Texas ribs for 18 people!   We spent much of Sat. awash in marinade.  The dinner was in a beautiful house on four acres--a pool, a hot tub, a beautiful sunroom with a marble top table that must have been six feet in diameter.  Wonderful warm people, many from Britain.  I enjoyed the beauty of the house and grounds.  Diana seemed to feel, after the party, that our house comes off way inferior to that one.

I think I'm comfortable with the choices I've made in my life.  I've sent four kids to good colleges, and we have some stashed away for Yson and Eson.  I don't drive fancy cars, but I did have opera subscriptions.  I give a lot to charity.  And the world has been bountiful and abundant to me in return.

It seems that Diana just isn't in that place.  She has lost the security of self denial, and hasn't yet found anything to take its place.  Having spent so much of the last several decades denying even her own dreams and wishes, she now is discovering her own wants, and making up for lost time.  But it unsettles her.  On some level, the fact that she didn't have a nice house and an easy life in the past she feels as appropriate--she didn't deserve it, she'd married a man who became an alcoholic and couldn't hold a job, it was her fault, and she deserved to suffer.  Can marrying me cleanse her of her sins?  Not likely.

So this has been a bumpy ride for me.  To give her space and let her sort it out.  To convince her that she can have, maybe not everything she wants, but what she needs.  Within reason.  But far in excess of anything she's had before.  And that she deserves it.  But at the same time, she has to do the heavy lifting.  She needs to find the path that gives her a sense of self-justification and worth.  I'm not part of that problem, and I'm not part of the solution.  But I am a cheerleader and coach as she fights these demons, round after round.

I know she's a winner.  I know she'll come through.  And be happier than she's ever been.  But it will take a while.  Meanwhile, I pray and hope.  And listen to her.  And love her.  A lot.

Thank you for reading.

Copyright © 2002 Pete Stevens. All rights reserved.