Diana and I have been dealing with the lump for most of the time since the last entry. We met with the surgeon last week. Got a crash course in reading mammograms. There are lots of bad things it can be, and a few good ones. It's very small, as these things go.
The mammograms are hard to read. "You have the breasts of a 20-year old!" said the surgeon. Lots of room for uncertainty. And hope.
Diana is up and down like a yo-yo. At times strong, at times weepy. But we liked the surgeon. Biopsy on Wed., and the results early next week. And a lot of work to do on ourselves.
Lots of stress in moving, a lot of it on Diana. And that means immune system compromised. And that means that things can grow that don't belong. But if she can make it grow, she can make it shrink.
Sam sent a meditation and some beautiful pictures of Hawaii. The meditation urges Diana to strive for total cellular harmony. Not a bad aim--I'm working on it too.
The down side of making your own universe is that you have to confront the yukky side of yourself when things happen you don't like. So I've been inside too, wading around in that side of me that hates women (especially those I depend on), hates Diana, hates myself, doesn't think I've earned my happiness, is glad it's her and not me, is afraid that it really is me, and so on. Dirty work, but somebody has to do it. Because if it's conscious, it won't be affecting her. At least that's the plan.
Another piece of good news--she looks and seems so healthy. Some people who have a good sense of health see Diana as healthy. I do too. Some stress, yes, but seemingly transitory and already getting better.
One of our new friends does cranio-sacral therapy. Subtle but powerful. She "did" Diana and me. All kinds of things came up for me for the next several days. Things like "Of course I'm out of touch with my body--I got spanked every day for years...". That kind of thing. All this helps, if only to put me in a better place to help Diana through whatever comes.
In the midst of this Angst, we had a wonderful thanksgiving. Down to see my brother--wonderful meal, the kids got along well with their kids, the drives weren't too bad, considering... Diana had some Prairie Home Companion tapes that were wonderful. He's so funny, but also very touching and at times raw, even painful. A surprising number of references to death in the tapes--we were just a bit sensitive, at least I was.
Back home on Sat., and learned that one of the crusty old salts at Church had died. An old seaman, wonderful storyteller, tall and skinny, certainly in his seventies, maybe older. Could listen to him for hours. Glad that I did. Sorry that I won't be able to. I can't help feeling that death passed by. Hopefully, passed us by. Total cellular harmony.
Thank you for reading.
Copyright © 2002 Pete Stevens. All rights reserved.
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