Lint-Trap 5/4/01: Highs and Lows
Highs and Lows
Well, I've carried the last box and bag out of my office, so I'm all ready for my official last day next Mon. I have determined that I will not get another bookcase, but rather will apply my clutter-clearing skills to make enough room for all the crap, er, junk, er, stuff from my office. So far, the score is two boxes and 7 bags brought home, vs. 3 bags to Goodwill. Could be better, but it's a good start.
It has been a week of highs. I went into San Francisco on Wed. to sign my brand new will. Since my last one was made almost 20 years ago, and mostly involved elaborate trusts for my kids and guardians, etc., this one was a dream. Not the most wonderful, uplifting thing to do, but I feel good to have it done.
Since the lawyer is right in the Financial Distric of San Francisco, where parking is $2 / half hour, I parked about a mile away in a cheap lot, and walked to the appointment. It was a beautiful day, quite windy with whitecaps on the bay. I learned once that the French call such conditions petites moutons, which translates to 'little sheep'. And indeed, the little sheep were all over to sparking bay, which sparkle was matched by the sparkling sky. So I ended up walking down the Embarcadero after my appointment--I probably walked 5 miles (Exercise! Exercise!), all with my mouth closed, and it felt wonderful.
On Thursday, another night of volunteering at the personal development workshop. The students are really engaged in their work now, starting to understand their patterns, how they were set up to fail in their work, their relationships, their self esteem. And beginning to get the hope that they can break free. The intensity of those three hours is amazing. Hearing a 45-year old man cry, for the first time in 30 years, as he described how his father beat him in front of his friends. How a woman was yelled at by her father and told she "couldn't do anything right" for taking a sticker off a pair of candlesticks. And became the steely perfectionist to show him up.
Who needs reality TV? This is reality, and more compelling than anything I have ever seen on the stage or screen. Being the assistant, I relive my own journey. Each time deeper.
Another up for the week was getting my stuff cleaned out of my office. Although it surrounds me as I sit here, crying out to be ordered and put away, I'm very glad to have it here.
Sam got back from a week in LA totally pumped up about writing our book and getting it published quickly. I'm glad she finally saw the light-- I've been pumped up for a couple of weeks, and actually completed drafts of nearly half of the chapters (!). It has almost written itself--I'm quite delighted with the effect...
Now for the downs. Several times this week, I've felt very sad to be leaving my job. I've even got to the point of wallowing in something close to self pity about how much less I accomplished than I had hoped to when I came. I've had three bosses, all of whom felt threated by me to some extent, and none of whom gave me any support (one was excellent at cutting me off at the knees).
As I pitied myself, keening that I was never able to get these guys to support me, a friend suggested that I set them down into a chair in my mind and give them a piece of my mind for not supporting me. I could work up a little juice with one of them, but basically, I mostly felt sad. All three of these folks are so 2-dimensional. Cardboard Clowns. They aren't worth hating, and the sterility of their lives and their own inherent limitations will punish them far more than I ever could.
As I got this image of Cardboard Clowns in my mind, I found myself very much at peace about leaving. The excitement of being on the move again came back with a rush. And then I asked myself--why do I have such a need to be respected and supported by a Cardboard Clown? (HINT: do you think it might have something to do with my father, especially since this is what's coming up in the workshop? I think so!)
The big down, though, is really a biggy. Wed. was very windy. Wed. night was very windy. I woke up Thurs. morning to discover that I had no electricity. It had been out since about 2AM. It came back on about 9AM. But my personal PC didn't come back on with it! It refused to boot, or do much of anything. I had to race out, and couldn't look at it seriously until this morning, when I discovered that the fans didn't seem to be running. Sounds like a power supply problem! Talked to a very helpful Compaq guy in Canada who sent me to a local repair shop.
So as of Mon. afternoon, I may have no computer (well, actually, I'll have a laptop...). And there is no telling whether the disc survived this--if so, nearly all my 1/2 book was not backed up (sigh! I'm definitely old enough to know better, and my failure to back it up was the result of about three or four different rare situations coinciding. Also, I don't have hard copy for the book either, since my ink cartridge for my printer was low. Sigh and sigh! I'll just have to wait to see whether I'll need to type it in again, or whether it will remain healthy...
This weekend promises to be less hectic than the past week. Diana and Sam and I will do some drumming on Sat. Sam and I will work on an upcoming presentation on Sun. I have a lot of neat books lined up to read. Life is, overall, good.
Thank you for reading.