I've been living the last several days in a state of low grade frustration. Which segues from time to time into a state of low grade depression. On top of it all, there have been some very nice things happening.
I spent some time with Sam, putting together some talks we are giving in Dec. These are going very well, and it's always a pleasure to work with her. She told me some most delicious gossip about one of the most negative and hateful people I know, someone who had driven Sam and me out of an organization that we both had high hopes for. Turns out she pissed off one too many people, and is being sued for sexual harassment. Apparently quite justified. She may well be thrown out of her office, and Sam and I might be able to rejoin the organization with pleasure.
When I was younger, I used to take a certain amount of joy in such people reaping what they had sown. Now, while I feel a certain satisfaction that karma is still working, I'm all too aware of those ways that I myself manifest insensitivity and bullheadedness (which are this woman's major sins--she possesses both in monumental proportions). I learned many decades ago that revenge really isn't sweet. When the boss's boss who had demoted me from my first management position finally had his incompetence fully recognized and was himself demoted to my level, the joy was absent. It didn't erase my pain, and to this day I don't think he understands what happened to him. Kind of like executing the mentally retarded--ethically, there is little justification for feeling good about it.
More on the plus side--a fabulous book. Donna Eden, Energy Medicine. This is one of those books that seemed to appear right when I ready for it. In fact, I bought it in June, and picked it up this week and could hardly stop reading it. Ever since becoming a Reiki master, and especially since doing several attunements, I have felt energetically prickly, almost anxious. The Eden book has stirred things around even more. Lots of things to try, interesting experiements, and a lot of getting to know your body in ways you never considered. Things are shifting around, and it's good but I often feel strange and "not myself". Being frustrated and a little depressed hasn't helped.
A lot of the frustration is money--I have several schemes I've been working hard on, but no money yet. I've been sleeping a lot--8 or 9 hours, which is very unusual for me--and dreaming constantly. I've built web pages in my dreams. I've had business meetings. And then on top of it all, Diana and I are trying to figure out when to get married, where to live, and a million other things.
Finally, last night I had had enough of this mood. I sat myself down and tried to identify the single trait that was most bugging me about the outside world. It was indecisiveness: seemingly in all areas of my life, I was hanging waiting for other people to make decisions that they were not making. And this was frustrating me.
So, I applied some basic Huna. I said to myself, "If I'm getting indecisiveness back from the world, where am I putting it out?" The answer smote me--I'm putting it out everywhere. Particularly as far as my marriage plans are concerned. So today Diana and I are going to sit down and be decisive. We will make decisions. Gain clarity. Probably scare ourselves half to death in the process. But I will be clear about things! So there, world! And if I clean up my act, I damn well expect you to clean up yours, world. And get some money coming in in the process... Hop to it!
Thank you for reading.